Mouse in the Library

Panic attacks are horrible fucking things. I really hate them, and I hate having them, and I hate how they strip me down to a gibbering wreck.

They're far less frequent these days, but just as devastating as ever.

Therapy this Thursday; let's see if I can gel with the newbie, or if they flee screaming into the aether.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wkrA9jP-yA


(I gave up on trying to embed the video properly)

I do not even know where to begin, especially since I've picked up friends that have No Clue about the absolute Pit of Hell that was our time in TN. Which feels weird, because I associate this particular format pretty strongly with that period of my life.

The basics are genderqueer, pansexual, autistic, mother, PTSD, bipolar disorder, depression, severe anxiety disorder, rape and cult survivor.

If you're new here and decide to scroll back through my journal, please be aware that there are a *lot* of untagged potential triggers.

-trips in from Tumblr-

-notes the dust over everything-

And now I get to remember how Dreamwidth works again.

We picked her up from the after-hours clinic this morning and brought her to a vet's office in the area. She stayed there most of the day; they biopsied one of her paws, her mouth, the area above her eye, and one of her ears. Labs on that will be back Thursday-ish. They kept her on an IV drip with fluids/nutrition and two different antibiotics all day. They're mostly worried about her not eating right now. Since they don't have staff at the office overnight, she's home for the night, and we'll be taking her back first thing in the morning so they can put her back on the IV and so on.

She was *much* more alert and responsive this morning at the vet's office, to the point of needing to be gently restrained when they took her temp and took the bandage off one of her paws to examine it. (The ER cleaned, debrided, and bandaged her paws.) Her one eye isn't leaking whitish stuff anymore, so that's a good sign. And she was moving around and being fussy about this whole 'poked at' thing, which is much better than the limp, unresisting kitty of Saturday.

We've got her set back up in a room by herself with water, a fresh litterbox (with non-standard litter, so it won't irritate her paws) and two dishes of food, one turkey flavoured wet cat food, the other just plain tuna. I've also got a small thing with the tuna water set in there in case she wants to lick that out. Initial offer was rejected, but I'm not sure how much of that was her being upset at the vet's trip and needing to settle back down before she'd be willing to eat. It's only been 30 minutes at most since she got home. I'll try some plain cooked and shredded chicken later tonight if she hasn't touched what's in the room by then, since chicken is something I know she likes.

I'm feeling pretty wiped, since on top of fretting about the kitty most of the night (and not sleeping much because of it) we also had to go to the walk in clinic at the hospital to renew my blood pressure meds, which was not the easiest on either myself. Once we got into the waiting room, that helped, because it was an area of the hospital that looked different enough from the OBGYN area and the NICU that I was able to calm down somewhat. Louis commented that he'd been in that area of the hospital enough during the time that I was in for it to be making him very . . . uncomfortable.

In any case, Robin *is* doing better, it's just that she's not eating by herself right now. This is a pretty major worry for the vet's office, and for us as well. I'm hoping that it's mostly her feeling under the weather and such, and that she'll start eating once the antibiotics and other stuff has had more of a chance to fight off the Nasty she's dealing with.

Sooo, snaking out from inside the house and from an overflow pipe outside didn't work. There appear to be, in fact, no clogs. We have very slow drainage going on, but it's just that, very slow.

Louis' dad is up here showing us where the other overflow pipe is, and the full extent of the collapsed tank. (He says it just rusted and the lid caved in. -twitches-) Pumping it out isn't an option, because of the collapse. Right now, we're just trying to clear a path for wastewater to get out to what is now the septic pit. Think of more as pipes to an outhouse pit than anything else.

This may very well involve digging out the pit to some extent. What we *should* be doing is either getting a hookup to city sewage or getting a new septic system installed. However, there's no way in hell we can afford it. Looked into composting toilets; can't afford those either, and it wouldn't deal with being unable to use the shower or washing machine or dishwasher or any sink in the house whatsoever.

-beats head into desk- I'm really hoping that Louis' dad can help us come up with something that works, because we CANNOT replace the system right now.

I'm really starting to hate May, which fucking sucks, because I love spring.

This is based around my shaman in WoW. Anyone familiar with the actual lore of WoW will be able to spot where I've changed and added to the shamanistic and orcish heritage/culture. This is why I don't RP much in the game itself; there are far too many people who would get very cranky at me for these changes.

( Earth )

There was a request for something a little more detailed than, 'some of this and that'.

About 12 peaches, peeled, pitted, and somewhat chopped
1 cup sugar
1/2 cup to 1 cup vanilla vodka
A squeeze of lemon juice
A light dusting of cinnamon

Pour liquids into crockpot. Take peach pieces and mix them with sugar and cinnamon, making sure to get the peach well coated. Pour peach into crockpot. If you're the mouse, this is where you add some water because you're nervous about burning the peach to the crockpot. Put crockpot on 'low' and let it go for several hours, stirring off and on. And I do mean several hours here.

Puree results (I love my immersion blender) and store using method of your choice. (We have some of the Ball freezer containers.)

I have non public filters for a reason. There are things I talk about here, on those filters, that I haven't found a really good place elsewhere online that is populated by the people on those filters.

I'm pretty sure I'm fairly safe in all this, since the folks on my friends list seem one and all to respect the little lock symbol. This does not make this a good idea, or an okay idea, or anything less than me sitting over here facepalming over LJ's ability to piss everyone right the fuck off.

As a sidenote, for those new to me: My parents and sister are on Facebook. I love them very much, but there are details of my life I choose not to share with them, and I'm sure all four of us are happier for it.

Now that I have managed to be a thoroughly incoherent rambling mess, I am going to go eat dinner.

Nonny, I wish to offer you a thousand blessings for suggesting I take a Percoset with me today. Because, bloody fucking hell, I now have something by which all other pain will be gauged.

I had my post-partum check up and pap smear today. I also had an IUD put in. This is my first, and it will also be my last IUD, because nothing in my life has ever hurt this badly. I now know what it means to be in so much pain that you want to throw up. My cervix does not seem to relax easily, and my uterus does *not* approve of invasion. The steroid shots, the catheter, the magnesium sulfate drip, getting the Lidocaine shot in my spine, getting blood taken from the same spot every day for 10 days straight, the IV that went into my inner wrist . . . this hurts more than any of that did, and it hurts more by a very wide margin.

I took the Percoset about 5 minutes after they put the IUD in. Now, sitting at my desk with my feet up on the desk and keyboard somewhere in between being in my lap and across my upper thighs, the pain is down to an occasional twinge and mild crampy feeling. Which is the bitch of it. If it has just been the placement, or if the pain had started to fade after 5-10 minutes, that would have been one thing. Instead, my uterus was screaming at me at least half of the way home.

I was told I did very well in regards to them putting it in. I assume they mean that I managed to mostly hold still and not kick them or scream or make overly much other noise. Louis says that the skin around my eyes was turning white when we left the office.

At least now I know what it feels like, and can therefore make an educated choice on what method of birth control to use later in life. And oh sweet pharmaceutical gods, the Percoset is kicking in the rest of the way now. Remind me to set up a shrine to the wonders of modern medicine.