omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Default)
[livejournal.com profile] warinbear sent the e-mail a few days ago. K's reply came in today.

For the first time in my life online, I find myself wanting to post an e-mail. Namely, the one she sent us. Warin was not even able to get all of the way through it. The rest of us here at Sanctuary read it instead. We then proceeded to hug our bear. I don't know what to think of his response when someone referenced "Warin's mother" after he got the e-mail. "I have a mother?"

For those of you who know K, no, she still cannot see anything that she did as wrong. Warin has chosen to not respond. He knows that it will do nothing for how K thinks or acts, and it will not help him either. As for me, I want to reply to her. I have four years of pent up rage and despair to unleash in her face.

I want to reply to her e-mail. I want to explain to her in small words exactly how she lost her son. I want her to hurt the way my daughters are hurting, the way my husband is hurting. I want to see the dawning look of horror and despair on her face when she finally realizes all that she has done; when all the emotions that she has caused come home to roost.

I want her to live a very long life, alone, unwanted, and unloved, because Warin expected nothing less out of life because of her. Her God loves her, and I do not believe that she hears him crying as she steps further and further away from His teachings of compassion, love, mercy, kindness, and forgiveness.

I could almost wish right now to forget that I set an example for my children by my actions. I will probably write that letter, just to get it out of my system. I do not think that I will send it. It would do nothing, change nothing, and I am not getting into a shouting match with an abusive Schwein.

Don't ask me to wish for good things for her, please. It's all I can do at the moment to not actively wish for bad things for her. And the only reason I'm not is because she isn't worth the karma.

But-

May she get out of life exactly what she puts into it.
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Default)
K e-mailed Bear-Cub today. She wanted Bear-Cub to let her know when her school's Open House Day was, so that K could be there. No, none of the adults got any contact about this, why do you ask?

This prompted a discussion between [livejournal.com profile] catchild, [livejournal.com profile] louisadkins, [livejournal.com profile] warinbear, and myself. We already know [livejournal.com profile] ebonunicorn's opinion on this; we will still be checking with him after he gets home from work this evening.

We will be notifying K that we are severing contact with her. End of story, no more chances, this was the last line.

[livejournal.com profile] chaiya, [livejournal.com profile] dimers, we don't know when we're going to be sending her the letter on this, but I figured that you guys would want the heads up on the shitstorm that will more than likely ensue after this. If you want a warning closer to the date, we can let you know then as well.

Warin and I talked with Bear-Cub about this a little while ago. She told us that she had been expecting this for a while. Bear-Cub is not happy about the situation, but it really looks like she's been preparing herself for this for a while now. We told her that she should feel free to talk with us, ask us questions, or just scream on this whole issue any time she needs/wants to. She knows that this is not her fault.

We will be talking with Puppy about this after she gets back from her playdate with a friend. Telling her that Nana won't be allowed to have any contact with her at all anymore will probably be one of the hardest things that any of us have ever done. Bear-Cub is old enough that she saw what was happening, and she had time to prepare for what she knew was going to happen as a result of it. Puppy is still too young to catch what's been happening, so this will more than likely come mostly out of the blue for her. Which means that it will hit hard.

I feel tired and very old right about now. None of us wanted this to happen. None of us wanted to do this.

But at least I know some measure of peace right now. Phooka, who has been emulating her sisters and calling K "Nana"; Phooka, who loves so easily and trusts so very completely; Phooka, my youngest daughter, will never look at me and ask with hurting eyes, "Mama Tante Omi, why doesn't Nana love me?"

EDIT: Wed., Aug 3, 14:00 This being my journal, I forgot that not everyone who reads it knows what's been going on between us and K. It suddenly occured to me that it might appear as though we're cutting ties over a few instances, and without trying to work anything out. K has been pulling stuff like this and far, far worse for at least as long as Warin and Catchild have been married. There have been several attempts to tell her that we consider her behaviour unacceptable. It does not appear to have had any real impact on her.

Just to let everyone know that we've been dealing with this for a very long time now, and that we have tried the less drastic routes.
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Default)
[livejournal.com profile] louisadkins is currently busy vaccuming the living room. This involves moving furniture around so that he can vaccum the carpet under them. Phooka watched him move my recliner back into place, and decided that she wanted to help. So, when he started pulling [livejournal.com profile] catchild's chair back into place, she got on the other side and started pushing. When he moved the coffee table, she ran over and helped him pick it up, after he showed her how and where to place her hands. She helped him move it back, helped him move Dragon's couch, and helped him push the vaccum cleaner around. (Yes, of course Louis lifted the weight on all of them!)

She is now bouncing around, giggling and calling out, "I did it!"
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Default)
So, over the weekend, [livejournal.com profile] warinbear's mom (K) e-mails Bear-Cub. K tells Bear-Cub that the Huntsville Public Library will be having a birthday party for Harry Potter on Monday (today) and that she thought that Bear-Cub and her sister would be interested. Oh, and if no one else could drive, she could play driver for them.

We decided to go ahead and go. Let the kids spend some time with their Nana, let me spend some time with some very good friends. I practically grew up in that library. I was a volunteer and an employee there. I have friends there that remember me from when I was 7 years old. Therefore, I was perfectly fine with being around K there. My turf, y'see. Well, as fine with being around her as I was ever going to be. We drove ourselves, taking 2 cars so that [livejournal.com profile] louisadkins could go with me, [livejournal.com profile] catchild and all three girls.

Meeting old friends (library itself included in that category) was wonderful, the event was fun, all three girls had a blast. Phooka was in heaven in the toddler section. Catchild got to say hi to folks that she had met through me a few years ago, and I got to introduce Louis to old friends of mine.

Fast-forward about an hour and a half, to 5:30 in the evening. Catchild and I were needing food rather badly at that point. Louis goes in search of the two older girls. He found them with K. He told them that we needed to leave to get food, and that we needed to leave now. K was getting out pictures to show them at the same time that he was saying this. She said that she could just show them to the girls real quick first. Kids ignored Louis and dove into the pictures. Self-satisfied smile from K that the girls missed. Louis repeated himself on the needing to leave now angle four more times. He was ignored by both girls and by K. Fourth time, he informed the girls that if they did not move, they were going directly to bed upon our arrival at home.

Bear-Cub and Puppy moved. Bear-Cub was highly upset with having to go, and not happy about having a potential punishment tossed at her. Louis was (and still is) understandably upset about being ignored by both children and adult. Especially since Bear-Cub and K both know that Catchild is hypoglycemic. Bear-Cub also knows very well what happens when either of her mommies don't get food when they need to.

K was very obvious in comforting (and in my opinion, egging on) the upset Bear-Cub.

Okay. In review, that might seem like a small thing to be furious with a grandparent over. To review: K deliberately undermined Louis's authority with the girls. By example, she showed them that it was okay to ignore him. She then demonstrated to the girls that she felt that they shouldn't have gotten into any kind of trouble over it. She has done this to me, to [livejournal.com profile] ebonunicorn(Drkn), and to Catchild. I do not know if she has done it to Warin. I do know that both myself and Drkn usually catch most of it.

If past experience is any indication, the older girls will most likely ignore both myself and Louis for about a week or so.

I was furious and damn near hysterical with hurt and anger when we got home. I am now feeling very cold. K has finally crossed a line in my mind, and she has finally pushed to far.

My official parental vote on anything involving K is that the kids should not have contact with her. At all. Period. She refuses to stop undermining our parental authority with the girls. By doing so, she is teaching them by example that they do not have to listen to us or take us seriously. She is toxic, and it is my opinion that if we don't really trust her to be alone with the girls in the first place, why in the name of Hell are we letting her anywhere near our daughters at all? Yes, cutting her out of their lives now would hurt, but I think it's time we were actually honest with our children instead of hoping that K won't do something that'll screw them up for life.

Oh, wait. It's already to late on that front, isn't it? I say tell them the truth, hold them, hug them, remind them that we love them and that this is not their fault. Tell them all the things that we haven't been telling them about their Nana. And then get her the fuck out of their lives before she destroys them while we're waiting for her to do something 'obvious'.

My stance on this is no longer open to debate.



P.S. Catchild, I am not angry with you, this is not your fault, and I still love you very much, as I likely always will. While I am addressing several of your points, I am not upset with you. Okay?
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Default)
I am trying to wait out the attack of the Seriously Bad Mood (tm) that seems to have invaded our house. Trying to interact in any way, shape, or form with those who have been possessed by the Bad Mood opens oneself to posession as well. So I'm going to wait it out. I think I might make chocolate chip cookies later on as well. Chocolate is pure poison to a Seriously Bad Mood, y'know. As are cat cuddles, waving dog tails, books, cross-stitching, Civ 3 Complete, baby giggles, cheesecake, Tom Smith, and Bill Cosby.

Cover me, I'm a goin' in.

Just as soon as I finish one more turn on Civ 3, that is.
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Default)
[livejournal.com profile] catchild is finding her room today. She is also rearranging furniture. [livejournal.com profile] louisadkins is providing most of the assistance, and I've been popping in there periodically to help as well.

I think she's about ready to beat [livejournal.com profile] ebonunicorn over the head with his stuff, though. Frequent grumbles were heard from her that went something like this: "Why is he still keeping this? I thought we got rid of this two years ago! What the hell is that? Drkn, why is this still here? He hasn't touched this in over a year, why do we still have it?"

And so on and so forth. This includes the 19" moniter that he insists on keeping because he wants to someday get a second video card and have a computer with two moniters. He has been saying this for about a year now. The moniter has been perched on his dresser for most of that time. This does not touch all the stuff that, "might come in handy someday; don't throw that away, it's useful; we need to keep that, just in case," and so on.

He is a wonderful person, and I love him a great deal. He needs to learn the fine art of getting rid of things that need getting rid of. Ther first person that pipes up with "So he needs to get rid of me" will be severely growled at.

Ah, well. For a bad habit, it's okay. It's amusing more than anything else. Mostly because it's not my room that's being filled with stuff.
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Default)
I forgot how long the mourning process takes. While the timing of Oma's death was sudden, I had been expecting it for at least five years. I knew it was coming. I had time to prepare, to come to terms with it. When she died, it still hurt. It just took a lot less time for me to finish saying goodbye, and to be able to think about her without it hurting. It's different when you don't have time to prepare. It hits you like a knife, and it can take years for the knife to slowly twist its way out of your heart and gut.

Especially when you lost someone, not to death, but to . . . I still don't know what we lost her to, to be honest. When I feel bitter about it, I get snarly about how I never really knew there was a problem until it went boom, because no one fuckin' talked to me, but that's only when I feel particularly bitter about it.

[livejournal.com profile] ebonunicorn's son, Nik is up for the weekend. Apparantly, he'd been to an SCA thingie in the past week or two. He met Reana's son, L there. He told Bear-Cub and Puppy that he met L, and that L told him that he'd "broken up" with Bear-Cub, and that he no longer like her or Puppy. He was very insistent about this. Bear-Cub said something to the effect of "he never would've said something like that", and Nik got very set on it. Bear-Cub and Puppy were in tears for over thirty minutes.

I don't know what to think, or what in all of this is truth, and what isn't. I know that I'm not angry or upset at any of the kids involved. When adults fight, all too often it is the children who pay the price.

I'm just so very, very tired of all of this. I will probably never know all of what happened between Drkn, Reana, and Catchild. This means that I will also probably never know what caused the relationship between the three of them to explode so badly. All I know is that we are still mourning. I am still mourning. And my two eldest daughters have more than likely lost people that were very close and important to them.

And every now and then, the knife hits a nerve on its slow, painful way out.
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Default)
[livejournal.com profile] warinbear's grandfather sent him an e-mail. He wants to come and visit.

The man is a known child molester. [livejournal.com profile] catchild's journal holds more info on the subject.

Old New England family. He is the family patriarch. The whole family knows that he likes little girls, and most of them carefully pretend that the problem doesn't exist.

Old family, old blood, and he has the family estate. According to his eldest daughter ([livejournal.com profile] warinbear's mom) who also happens to be the executer of his estate, he has a right to have access to every member of his family. Quoting: " That was a long time ago. He knows what he did was inappropriate; he doesn't do it anymore. Besides, he only did it to his own daughters, and only to make them better wives. And he has never done it to anyone else." Direct quote, to the best of [livejournal.com profile] catchild memory, from four years ago.

If you do anything that upsets her, you get cut out of any will that she has any control over, and she does his books and estate for him. And not letting him have access to his kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids upsets her. And she still believes that he has a right to see his great-grandchildren, even after one of her sisters sent a letter to every family member that she had an address for. Said letter was a copy of one that she had sent her father, and listed what he had done to her and to her older daughter.

Our daughters, [livejournal.com profile] catchild and myself are, to the best of my knowledge, the only female family members that he has not molested in some way.

I despise family politics.
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Default)
Today started with me leaving the bed at high speeds to empty an already empty stomach. Between the paint fumes from the freshly painted bookcase, sinus drainage down my throat, and overheating during the night, I wound up with a nasty case of the heaves this morning. [livejournal.com profile] warinbear and [livejournal.com profile] louisadkins both deserve medals. [livejournal.com profile] warinbear was awake, out of bed, and holding my hair back within seconds. [livejournal.com profile] louisadkins showed up at the door shortly thereafter, and got a cool, damp washcloth onto the back of my neck. I spent most of the day dealing with a sinus headache and the shitty feeling of low blood-sugar. I really don't like the reaction of needing to eat badly enough that you feel sick to your stomach. It leads to a viscous circle.

About thirty or so minutes after I was showered and settled back into bed (with the cats on guard duty, I might add) [livejournal.com profile] louisadkins yelled loud enough that [livejournal.com profile] warinbear and I heard him in the bedroom. I staggered out to see what the problem was, and noticed the distinct scent of burnt electronics. His computer's power supply had burned out, and taken several other components with it. I crawled back into bed, and was dimly aware of the two bears snarling at Warin's computer. It couldn't see all the RAM that was there. It kept seeing everything except for about 64 megs. Last I heard, they hadn't fixed the problem.

And then, while they were doing this, the sunburn that Warin had picked up on Friday began to itch. He had Louis rub Solarcaine over it, in the hopes that that would help. Thirty seconds later, it was itching so badly that he couldn't concentrate on anything. He took a cool shower. I dozed during his shower, and woke up to the sounds of my husband crying in the bathroom. With Warin and Ebon both, crying is a sign of extreme distress, whether emotional or physical. Adreneline spiked, and I found myself out of bed and checking on Warin. The shower hadn't helped any, and he was fighting to not claw his shoulders open. Calomine lotion didn't help, and he was starting to rock and shake.

I called [livejournal.com profile] catchild up in NY, and told her what was going on. She reccomended covering the area in towels dipped in a half-and-half mixture of white vinegar and water. I also gave him Benadryl, in case it was an allergic reaction to the Solarcaine. The towels helped for a little bit. I called [livejournal.com profile] catchild back after about thirty or so minutes, because slightly raised white spots were starting to come up in the sunburn. She said to take him to the ER. Now.

So, off to the ER we went. It stopped itching while we were waiting for the doctor and started hurting instead. Then the Benadryl kicked him. They gave him some drugs on the spot, and gave us a sunburn treatment worksheet to take home with us. They also gave him a perscription for two different painkillers. We haven't filled them out yet. He's sleeping for now. We're going to give him the standard sunburn treatment, and see how that goes. He doesn't want to fill out the perscription unless the pain gets bad enough for him to need perscription strength painkillers.

On the good side, the adreneline spike stopped my nausea. I've eaten, the headache's gone, and I actually feel much better. I still wish that we hadn't had to take Warin to the ER.

All in all, it's been one hell of a day.

Grieving

Mar. 29th, 2004 04:48 pm
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Default)
AOL hath been shot in the head. We are now (finally!) live on ISDN, and the phones are actually back online again after a weekend of not ringing through. I'm busy with a PS game called Suikoden, and . . . OK, enough of this.

Depressive rambling behind the cut )
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Default)
So I was walking past the sunroom this morning. We have Ebon's son over, he and the girls are playing with the Play-Dough, happy, happy, waitaminute, what did I just hear?

"So you won't talk?" "Never!" "Feed her poison!"

I poked my head through the doorway and informed the kids that this was Not An Apprpriate Game, and to please find something else to play. The said okay. I walked off, slightly wincing, but I figured, okay, now they know, no problem, right?

About five minutes later, as I'm headed for the laundry machines, which are right next to the sunroom, I hear the kids again: "Get the eyedropper. Squirt it in his eyes!" "AAAHH! I can't see!" "Tie his mouth shut."

Right. The kids were told to put the Play-Dough up and to come sit on the couch when they were done with that. I went and got [livejournal.com profile] warinbear, because I wasn't sure if I could properly explain why this was not an appropriate game. I asked them why they continued to play after being told to pick a different game. "We couldn't think of anything else that we wanted to play."

My husband wound up explaining to our children what torture was (which is what they were playing) and during this, Ebon and [livejournal.com profile] catchild enter the room. After they got caught up on the situation, we had the wonderful fun of deciding proper discipline for the kids.

We're handling it by removing from them various of the privileges they had gained for mature behaviour, seeing as how they haven't been handling the mature behaviour part of that very well. They are banned from RPGs, movies rated higher than G, various board games, and various books. The ban is currently subject to monthly review, with the potential to be lifted on evidence of sufficiently mature behaviour. Bear-Cub, the ten-year-old, is reacting in a pissy, grouchy, surly, and generally whiny and wailing manner. Puppy, who is six, realized real quick that this particular ban didn't touch much of anything that she was all that interested in/old enough for in the first place, so she shrugged and accepted it. Seeing as how she was going along with the other kids' idea on this one, it sort of evens out, IMO.

If this were the first instance, we wouldn't be reacting like this. This is far from the first instance of this sort of game, and they have a distressing tendency to try such games on each other and/or the cats. And almost always when Ebon's son is around. My opinion of the boy's bio mother and step-father (now legal father) are not repeatable in civil company. Suffice it to say that I have heard some of what they let him watch, and most of it was intended for very adult audiences. We're handling it by removing from them various of the privileges they had gained for mature behaviour, seeing as how they haven't been handling the mature behaviour part of that very well.

Stuff like this is not a game, and we're trying to get the message accross to them.

sigh Please pardon the typos in the above; my fingers are not cooperating with me right now.
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Default)
I need to calm down and back off.

I am seriously over-stressed right now, and I don't have a clue how to go about fixing it.

Laundry List )
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Default)
Got to see something incredibly cute and adorable last night. The Phooka was refusing to sleep, so at about nine [livejournal.com profile] catchild brought the fussy baby out to [livejournal.com profile] warinbear, and asked if Poppa Bear would please work his magic. About thirty minutes later, I came back into our room to get something, and found [livejournal.com profile] warinbear asleep on the bed, on his back, cradling a sleeping Phooka on his chest. [livejournal.com profile] catchild and I giggled and grinned and gently woke the Bear up, since we both knew beter than to try and pry the baby out of his arms while he was still asleep. He brought her to her crib and gently laid her down. The picture that they made last night still gives me warm fuzzies.

Snowfalke went to the vet this Monday. He wasn't putting any weight at all on his rear left leg, so off to the vet he went. The vet was shocked to find that the leg wasn't broken. He does, however, have a pretty nasty infecion in that leg. She drained a pocket of blood with a needle, and gave us liquid anitibiotic to feed him at home. He's looking much beter now, and he's actually starting to join in the run and pounce games again.

I'm feeling really happy about the job Peter Jackson did with the LOTR movies right now. Bear-Cub watched the first extended DVD about three weeks ago, and the second one last week. Upon hearing that this trilogy was based on a book, her eyes got reeeally big, and she proceeded to try and find where on the shelves the books were. [livejournal.com profile] louisadkins brought down his large hardcover edition (the one that contains all three books) for her to read. She is diving into it with unfettered enthusiasim. This is one proud and happy Librarian mouse right now.

I am also in search of Dutch and German tapes, CDs, and books. Bear-Cub and Puppy both have started singing along with the Rammstein CDs, and their accent is almost flawless. I want to encourage this trend. I'm already trying to remember to chatter with the Phooka in Dutch on a frequent basis. Anyone got any Muzzy stuff that they're wiling to part with? -hopeful look-

On a somewhat more grumpy note, I am also going to set aside time to educate Bear-Cub. She came home last year with the assingment of memorizing various parts of the Constitution. She asked me to help her study. After she'd finished reciting the piece she was supposed to memorize, I asked her, "Good. Now, tell me what it means. Her response boiled down to, "I don't have to know what it means, I just have to memorize it!"

Insert lots of shuddering and twitching, and several muffled screams. If the school has not educated her on the meaning Constitution by summer break, then I will. I have also been having lovely little history conversations with her. In general, I am trying to help her avoid falling into the one viewpoint only trap that so many American Social Studies textbooks contain.

My contribution to democracy: Education of the young.
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Default)
Lotsa emotional crap behind the cut - you have been warned.

Read more... )

My Family

Jan. 8th, 2004 05:01 pm
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Default)
I love y'all. I love the lot of you, and you're all acting like a bunch of schoolkids. Who's dating who? Who's going to the prom with who? Who gave who a bracelet? Who did you catch kissing whom behind the bleachers? Did they go all the way?

Yes folks, the whole lot of ya'll are coming across as that juvenile. I make no distinction, and I am not seperating you out. I am fed up with watching some of the most responsible, rational, intelligent people I know acting this immature.

My previous post was meant as a starting point for rational, reasonable, calm discussion of the problems the family is dealing with right now. It was *not* meant as the tinder for a flame-war! And you *all* helped throw oil on this fire. No "But Ebon's being too combative" or "[livejournal.com profile] reana doesn't visit enough" or [livejournal.com profile] catchild's being overly melodramatic" or "[livejournal.com profile] reana/[livejournal.com profile] catchild/Ebon is making ultimatums." This is one relationship that you *all* managed to fuck over. You weren't paying enough attention to each other, or you weren't allowing enough attention to be payed to you, or you weren't talking with each other or you were making it impossible for anyone to talk with you, etc., etc., etc.

Right. Well, I would like to point out that having four people decide what's going to happen to the family structure without giving the rest of the family a chance to salvage anything is really fucking inconsiderate. And I'm really tired of being told that this is a four person issue, especially when part of me is bound, heart, mind, and soul to one of the people that I stand to lose to this idiocy.

*I'm* making this an issue for the whole family. Not anyone else. Me. My insistence that the rest of us not get left out of discussions that affect the whole family is a good part of why people want all of us there on Sunday. *I* want everyone there, because I'm sick and tired of family-wide decisions being made by four people. And I swear by the Sword and Scales of the Lady Justice, I am *not* going to be there to defend any of the adults. Or have any of you thought to consider how this will affect the children?

Now, can everyone do me a really big favour? Back down from the ultimatums, *all* of you. *Please*. Take a deep breath. Count to or down from any number you choose, in whatever language you choose. Calm down. Ground. Center. Shield. Remember that you love each other. Remember that love. Remember how it feels. Let that feeling wash away the anger.

We love each other. Friends are the family that you chose, and we are friends and family to each other. And, to quote a very smart little talking donkey: "That's what friends do! They forgive each other!!"
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Default)
For those interested in The Ongoing Saga (and especially for those of us who are part of it), I submit the following points:

Read more... )
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Astrid)
For the details behind this, please check out [livejournal.com profile] catchild's and [livejournal.com profile] warinbear's latest journal entries.

Okay. That lays the groundwork. My husband is upset and depressed because he can't help, I'm upset because I love [livejournal.com profile] catchild, Ebon, R, and I like J a lot, Ebon's upset, [livejournal.com profile] catchild's upset; in general, we're all upset.

I love my family. This is affecting me, too. I really want to just grab all those involved, throw them into a room together, and then throw a mediator at them so they actually talk this out. All of them. And yes, this *is* my business. This is no longer purely a personal problem, folks. The rest of us are hurting to. We're family to.

I'm going to insist that everone involved do *something*, prefferably before I snap and start beating folks about the head and shoulders with a large clue-by-four. Talk with each other, damnit! Don't make me do something stupid like bite you.

And this is supposed to be the *easy* way out? Someone's nuts.
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Default)
I looked up at the calender today, and stopped to think. I moved in January of 2001. Ebon's been living with Warin and Catchild since 2000, and he's been in a relationship with Catchild for about six years now. I've been here for almost three years now.

We've lived together, bought furniture, vehicles, land, and houses, together, raised and are raising children together, gone to restraunts, movies, and grocery stores together, packed and unpacked together, built things together, gamed together, cleaned the house together, cooked together . . .

It feels like I've been here all my life, when it's really been not quite three years. It's a day late, but I'm thankful for this. I'm thankful for my family.

I'm still scared at times. I'm not terrified anymore, though. And I finally can see how strong we actually are as a family, and I can see how small the chances are that we're going to fall apart. The control freak is finally fading.

There's a line from a Sandman comic that springs to mind right about now: "Sometimes you fall. And yes, sometimes you die. But sometimes you fly."

I'm flying.
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Default)
I am seeing way to many examples recently of polyamory going not just wrong, but wrong in a hideously nasty and ugly way. My family is actually working right now, but it was a near thing for a few years there. Some days it still feels like it is.

I'm scared of losing this, of losing my family. How do you do this? How do you put damn near everything you've got, day in, day out, into keeping it all together, and then not panic when it starts to get the slightest bit shaky?

I've been told that I have a strong tendency to micromanage and over-mother family members, especially the children. I think that this is where it stems from. I'm terrified that if things start to go off track by even the tiniest margin, the whole family will fall apart. Therefore, I jump all over anything that isn't in line.

(sigh) If there's a worse response that I could be having, I can't think of it. The problem is, I've lost two families already. My grandmother cut herself and all of our relations on that side off when I was 17 because we refused to go along with her every whim. I moved out of my parent's house when I was 19 because of the emotional abuse. I have already lost two families, and I lost them after a few years worth of trying to hang on and make it work.

I cannot lose another. Okay. Cause for problem is not likely to change any time soon. Next step: Change symptom, or deal with a self-fufilling prophecy. Okay. This, I think, I can do. I just need to figure out *how*.

On a good note, however, just getting all that out has helped me to feel immensly better.

Long Day

Nov. 5th, 2003 10:38 pm
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Default)
Louis took me to see the third Matrix movie this evening. I liked. I liked lots. I also don't feel the need to get into a vehicle again for about a day, on account of spending the morning helping get vehicles to and from Huntsville, which is where our mechanic is. It is also an hour and a half drive. If you happen to live in the Huntsville, AL area, this is Chek-Ups. On South Memorial Parkway. Yes, they are good (and honest) enough to warrant the drive. (end shameless plug for very nice people)

We got back and Catchild took a nap while the bears and I watched the baby. Louis and I waited 'til the girls got back from school, and then went out to the movie.

And the cool thing about all this is, we both knew that this wasn't a date, everyone else knew that it wasn't a date, and we had a damn good time as friends at a movie together without even a shred of worry about jealousy issues. This is a cool thing because it speaks volumes to me about well we as a family know each other and talk to each other. Two years ago, this was a major problem.

Time to get up and actually try some of the yoga exercises. My body is not happy about sitting mostly still for most of the day.

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