Mother-In-Law, better known as 'Mommie Dearest'

[omimouse]

So, over the weekend, warinbear's mom (K) e-mails Bear-Cub. K tells Bear-Cub that the Huntsville Public Library will be having a birthday party for Harry Potter on Monday (today) and that she thought that Bear-Cub and her sister would be interested. Oh, and if no one else could drive, she could play driver for them.

We decided to go ahead and go. Let the kids spend some time with their Nana, let me spend some time with some very good friends. I practically grew up in that library. I was a volunteer and an employee there. I have friends there that remember me from when I was 7 years old. Therefore, I was perfectly fine with being around K there. My turf, y'see. Well, as fine with being around her as I was ever going to be. We drove ourselves, taking 2 cars so that louisadkins could go with me, catchild and all three girls.

Meeting old friends (library itself included in that category) was wonderful, the event was fun, all three girls had a blast. Phooka was in heaven in the toddler section. Catchild got to say hi to folks that she had met through me a few years ago, and I got to introduce Louis to old friends of mine.

Fast-forward about an hour and a half, to 5:30 in the evening. Catchild and I were needing food rather badly at that point. Louis goes in search of the two older girls. He found them with K. He told them that we needed to leave to get food, and that we needed to leave now. K was getting out pictures to show them at the same time that he was saying this. She said that she could just show them to the girls real quick first. Kids ignored Louis and dove into the pictures. Self-satisfied smile from K that the girls missed. Louis repeated himself on the needing to leave now angle four more times. He was ignored by both girls and by K. Fourth time, he informed the girls that if they did not move, they were going directly to bed upon our arrival at home.

Bear-Cub and Puppy moved. Bear-Cub was highly upset with having to go, and not happy about having a potential punishment tossed at her. Louis was (and still is) understandably upset about being ignored by both children and adult. Especially since Bear-Cub and K both know that Catchild is hypoglycemic. Bear-Cub also knows very well what happens when either of her mommies don't get food when they need to.

K was very obvious in comforting (and in my opinion, egging on) the upset Bear-Cub.

Okay. In review, that might seem like a small thing to be furious with a grandparent over. To review: K deliberately undermined Louis's authority with the girls. By example, she showed them that it was okay to ignore him. She then demonstrated to the girls that she felt that they shouldn't have gotten into any kind of trouble over it. She has done this to me, to ebonunicorn(Drkn), and to Catchild. I do not know if she has done it to Warin. I do know that both myself and Drkn usually catch most of it.

If past experience is any indication, the older girls will most likely ignore both myself and Louis for about a week or so.

I was furious and damn near hysterical with hurt and anger when we got home. I am now feeling very cold. K has finally crossed a line in my mind, and she has finally pushed to far.

My official parental vote on anything involving K is that the kids should not have contact with her. At all. Period. She refuses to stop undermining our parental authority with the girls. By doing so, she is teaching them by example that they do not have to listen to us or take us seriously. She is toxic, and it is my opinion that if we don't really trust her to be alone with the girls in the first place, why in the name of Hell are we letting her anywhere near our daughters at all? Yes, cutting her out of their lives now would hurt, but I think it's time we were actually honest with our children instead of hoping that K won't do something that'll screw them up for life.

Oh, wait. It's already to late on that front, isn't it? I say tell them the truth, hold them, hug them, remind them that we love them and that this is not their fault. Tell them all the things that we haven't been telling them about their Nana. And then get her the fuck out of their lives before she destroys them while we're waiting for her to do something 'obvious'.

My stance on this is no longer open to debate.



P.S. Catchild, I am not angry with you, this is not your fault, and I still love you very much, as I likely always will. While I am addressing several of your points, I am not upset with you. Okay?

Comments

[elialshadowpine]

*hugs to all involved*

I'm guessing there's quite a lot more involved than just this one incident. If this is typical of her behavior (and it sounds like it is), I quite agree. It's completely unacceptable to undermine a parent in front of their children.

Actually, if this is the same in-law catchild's spoken to me about before (I'm horrible about remembering names), then I definitely agree. Y'all don't need that kind of crap in your lives, nor do the kits.

*hugs*

[warinbear.livejournal.com]

if this is the same in-law catchild's spoken to me about before

In all probability, it is. She doesn't have all that many parents-in-law; I've never met Drkn's parents, and I've known him about as long as she has. I don't think she considers Omi's parents to be her in-laws, either.

My 2 CP

[louisadkins.livejournal.com]

If past experience is any indication, the older girls will most likely ignore both myself and Louis for about a week or so.

It will be ill-advised for them to try and do so; I would meet this behavior the same as if they had decided to do so, on their own.


My official parental vote on anything involving K is that the kids should not have contact with her. At all. Period.

I have to say I agree with this, but that is (also) just my opinion. She strikes me as someone who is honestly evil. (Try to take fitb. If you cannot take, then try to control fitb. If you cannot control, then try to destroy fitb.)

Re: My 2 CP

[gingicat]

My only correction would have been that you should have addressed K, not the girls. Saying something to K like "I know you want to show the girls pictures, but if *your daughter* does not eat soon, she will have a hypoglycemic attack" would have been more appropriate than threatening the girls with a punishment. They are simply not old enough yet to be punished for their grandmother's actions; if the grandmother had then ignored you, then the response to the girls would have been, "Mom is going to fall down if she doesn't get something to eat. Please help us keep her from falling down, or we are all going to be really angry and at that point there will have to be punishment."

It sounds like a horribly frustrating situation, and certainly one where it's hard to keep your head. But if K isn't being an adult, the rest of you have to be.

*hugs to all*

Re: My 2 CP

[louisadkins.livejournal.com]

Note: I am not upset with either tigerbright or teddywolf; I am merely expanding on the post, and relaying pertinent information.

She (K) ignored me, as well.

Another factor with this, is that both the girls know that catchild and omimouse have blood sugar problems. Secondary point that D has them, also, and knows the potential problems can be great. I did not offer a potential punishment until the fourth or fifth rep. because I did not want to punish the childer for the elder's BS, but we did need them to move now and they were refusing to do so.

Also, Kathy (whom I will refer to further as That Bi Ach) would actually have preferred to see both the lovely ladies fall over from shock and die. She is their grandmother by their father's side, and has never really cared for either of the ladies. I do not say this as a flippant thing. She would actively rejoice at either of the ladies demise. My guess, at this point, is that she would even see her son dying as the equivalent to a necessary loss.

I appreciate your hugs, as do the other.

Re: My 2 CP

[omimouse.livejournal.com]

My guess, at this point, is that she would even see her son dying as the equivalent to a necessary loss.

MINE. That would be my visceral, gut reaction to that. I fought long and hard to help Warin shake of his mother's poison, and She. Is. Not. Getting. Him. Back. He chose me; more to the point, he chose Catchild and myself and made a flat statement at one point that if K ever tried to make him chose between her and us, well, K was seriously SOL. Especially since, in the Letter of Doom (tm), she told him that she could find nothing to like or respect in the man that Warin had become.

-sigh- I do agree that she would be more than happy to see me dead. The feeling is not exactly mutual, but I would really appreciate it if she would start behaving like the responsible adult that she theoretically is. If she can't manage that, then she doesn't need to be in our lives.

Re: My 2 CP

[gingicat]

Many thanks for the additional info.

As I said to Omimouse below, if she is that toxic, I really don't see a solution other than cutting off contact. It will hurt the girls short-term, but be way better for them long-term.

Re: My 2 CP

[teddywolf.livejournal.com]

Gotta follow Tigerbright here. It's a very good point.

Re: My 2 CP

[omimouse.livejournal.com]

Louis and I did talk with the kids this morning. Along the lines of: "What Nana does is in no way your responsibility or fault. How you chose to react/respond to it is your responsibility, though. And, when in doubt, Warin, Catchild, Drkn, myself, and Louis all trump Nana. What Nana does is not your fault. We still love you, and we are angry at her for putting you in that kind of a position. What Nana does is not your fault."

Bear-Cub mostly understands being responsible for what she does. Puppy is still learning that one, which is perfectly normal for her age/maturity level.

-sigh- Most of all, I wish there was a solution to this whole mess that wouldn't involve hurting the girls.

Re: My 2 CP

[gingicat]

Most of all, I wish there was a solution to this whole mess that wouldn't involve hurting the girls.

Short-term, alas, it doesn't sound like there is. Long-term, I think you and Louis are absolutely correct that contact with Nana needs to be cut off.