Stressed, Hurting, and Upset
Jan. 27th, 2004 07:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
omimouseLotsa emotional crap behind the cut - you have been warned.
I don't like feeling like this. Scared, anxious, upset, hurt, and angry. Sick to my stomach with nerves and other emotional shit. I'm worried, and trying very hard to not stress myself into a complete breakdown.
And you know what the really fun thing about all this is? How I'm feeling now is a drastic improvement from how I was feeling just a few days ago.
Last week, I was trying to keep internal structure stable. There are two personalities in here, and we did not want to become four or seven or more. Hiding in the back of my mind and letting coping mechanisims take on personalities of their own so that I don't have to deal with what's going on would not have made the situation any better.
The very fact that my mind was trying to shatter to handle the stress tells me how very bad it was. Astrid's dealing with the worst of it right now. She's finally realized that she is likely to lose the person that she is bound heart, mind, and soul to, and that realization is almost destroying her. Her Lady no longer answers her. In my mind's eye, I see her at the outskirts of a large garden. I hear her begging Tyr's Priestess to not shut her out because of who she serves, that Astrid will always love her.
If the silence keeps up for much longer, the 'serves' in the above paragraph will become a 'served'.
For the third time in my life, I'm watching as a fracture develops between one branch of a family and another. And, like the two times before this, I feel totally powerless to do anything about it. I have tried. I have fought, I have begged, I have screamed, I have reasoned, I have cajoled, and I have cried. I have reminded everyone that we all love each other, and I have watched my words be drowned out by the volume of actions to the contrary. I have tried to not take 'sides', and I have failed.
Yes, we could have done more. So could she. We tried, we tried so very hard and we did as much as we could do, and more. If that wasn't enough, then I apologize, but we have no more to give.
Anyone who wants more info (or if the Lady wants my full opinion) on this will need to e-mail or call me. Astrid will more than likely be posting her feelings on the subject sometime later this week; after that, hopefully we can find more pleasant things to talk about for a while. Like, say, a root canal.
I don't like feeling like this. Scared, anxious, upset, hurt, and angry. Sick to my stomach with nerves and other emotional shit. I'm worried, and trying very hard to not stress myself into a complete breakdown.
And you know what the really fun thing about all this is? How I'm feeling now is a drastic improvement from how I was feeling just a few days ago.
Last week, I was trying to keep internal structure stable. There are two personalities in here, and we did not want to become four or seven or more. Hiding in the back of my mind and letting coping mechanisims take on personalities of their own so that I don't have to deal with what's going on would not have made the situation any better.
The very fact that my mind was trying to shatter to handle the stress tells me how very bad it was. Astrid's dealing with the worst of it right now. She's finally realized that she is likely to lose the person that she is bound heart, mind, and soul to, and that realization is almost destroying her. Her Lady no longer answers her. In my mind's eye, I see her at the outskirts of a large garden. I hear her begging Tyr's Priestess to not shut her out because of who she serves, that Astrid will always love her.
If the silence keeps up for much longer, the 'serves' in the above paragraph will become a 'served'.
For the third time in my life, I'm watching as a fracture develops between one branch of a family and another. And, like the two times before this, I feel totally powerless to do anything about it. I have tried. I have fought, I have begged, I have screamed, I have reasoned, I have cajoled, and I have cried. I have reminded everyone that we all love each other, and I have watched my words be drowned out by the volume of actions to the contrary. I have tried to not take 'sides', and I have failed.
Yes, we could have done more. So could she. We tried, we tried so very hard and we did as much as we could do, and more. If that wasn't enough, then I apologize, but we have no more to give.
Anyone who wants more info (or if the Lady wants my full opinion) on this will need to e-mail or call me. Astrid will more than likely be posting her feelings on the subject sometime later this week; after that, hopefully we can find more pleasant things to talk about for a while. Like, say, a root canal.
