Poly Negotiations

[omimouse]

It occured to me the other day that picking up another romantic relationship is nowhere near as simple as, say, buying two gallons of milk and a loaf of bread down at the corner store.

Example: About six months ago, louisadkins and I realized that we were both interested in seeing where a more romantic relationship would go. At this point, my first set of criteria had already been met. I loved (and still love) Louis a great deal, was attracted to him, I liked him a great deal, and he returned all of the above. Step two was to start talking with the other people that we were in relationships with. He and I talked (together and seperately) with my husband, warinbear. Warin already knew Louis well enough at the point that he said he was fine with us starting a romantic relationship. His single request was that we do our best to prevent a pregnancy.

Next, we talked with catchild, who Louis has been courting, and with ebonunicorn, Catchild's husband. Ebon had some health issues that he wanted addressed, and they both required me to show up clean on a full spectrum STD test. Louis had already cleared one a month or so prior. We all fully expected me to show up clean (I did), but the STD test is one of this family's deal-breakers. As in, if you don't have recent (12 months being the farthest back that we'll accept for these purposes) paper work showing that you're clean, and aren't willing to go and get tested, and show us the paperwork, you won't bw getting involved with any of us. Period.

Veto power is one of those nebulous things. Warin does not like the idea of me telling him, point blank, "No, you're not allowed to do that." He takes my feelings very seriously, and a statement from me that I'd really rather he not get into a relationship with somebody carries damn near the same weight with him that a veto does in other realtionships. There are three women where he would not be welcome in my bed any longer if he slept (let alone had sex with) with them. I have told him this, and explained my reasons. I also made damn sure that I told him this in a calm, non-confrontational manner. No, I'm not going to say who they are, nor am I going to explain my extreme distaste for said women.

Other than that (and I can't believe that I'm about to say this) the question and answer session of this post is now officially open.

Comments

[mikailova.livejournal.com]

Ok first of all, congratulations to you and louisadkins, I don't know if I'd told you that yet. And one coming back clean on STD testing, that always seems to bring some peace of mind.

Now onto my views on what you have put forth. I think it's good that you discussed the idea with all parties involved first. I believe that in polyamory communication and honest information is the foundation to making everything work. If someone is left in the dark, feelings get hurt quickly and things get ugly fast.

Secondly, I also agree with the family's point of view on STD testing. In a group that involves multiple partners, you have to be safe. You can be exposed to an STD, especially hep B and aids today, in so many places (esp. if you work a hospital, or care facility, like I do). If something like that, even innocently contracted, were to get into a polyamorous relationship, it would spread like wildfire. Keeping up with testing is something that I think all couples, whether polyamorous or not, should do.

As far as veto power goes. Well, I think there is a point in a relationship where you can say, if you start something with that person you won't be doing anything with me, but be prepared to accept that they might still choose that person you don't like. I find that a difficult part of polyamory. Just because it's you're partner that has a relationship with said person, it's kind of like you have a relationship with that person to. Though you may not like or be romantically attached to that other person, you do have to find some level of civility, because said person in now a part of your life whether you like it or not. That makes it very tricky. You don't have to like said person, but you do have to put up with their presence, because if you can't or won't, that may be the end of your relationship. And if your partner is having sex with said person, it's just like you're having sex with said person. You're exposed to the same health risks and issues so involved. So veto power is important. However, if you veto someone and you're partner decides to have a relationship with them anyway, therefore ending you and partners relationship, you have to be able to deal. Besides if your partner wants to date someone skanky, you're probably better off without them.

BTW these are my views in general. They are not a statement on yours or anyone elses polyamorous relationships.

[catchild.livejournal.com]

Besides if your partner wants to date someone skanky, you're probably better off without them.

vetoe is not always a question of skanky. i once pre-emptively vetoed a person for warin because i felt emotionally threatened by her mere existance. turned out he wasn't even remotely interested in her anyway, but if he had even flirted with her it would have hurt me a lot. (tall busty model type beauty redhaired and intelligent, i thought she was everything i wanted to be and she was what warin had once described to me as his ideal standard of beauty) she wasn't skanky, but she was it turns out a very manipulative and jealous person.