Love

[omimouse]

Fair warning folks, this one's fairly long and personal.


I don't often allow myself to feel at full strength. Oh, I don't mean every emotion I have. I don't need to watch the minor likes and dislikes, or even really try to control my annoyance or chipperness. The strong ones though, those I have to sort of dampen down until they're bearable in everyday life.

Hate, rage, mindless terror, pain, those are the obvious ones. Most people seem to assume that when you talk about pushing or muting an emotion down that you are talking about those. They don't tend to think about love.

I love my family. I love them very much, and for almost all of them, I don't need to dampen that love. Of those that I don't need to dampen it for, Catchild comes closest to me needing to dampen it down. I don't, because it helps her to be reminded that people love her.

For Warin, however, I need to dampen my feelings down. I've tried to write down the explanation for why I need to for the past ten minutes, so I think I'll take it from the other side and explain what it feels like when I allow myself to fully feel my love for Warin.

It feels like there's this heavy warm weight on my chest, spreading all the way down into me, down as far as I can feel.
I can feel tears starting to well up and my breathing begin to become laboured. I feel a joy and happiness so intense that it crosses the border into pain and then back into happiness. It's like being hit over and over again with a blue whale, except that each blow brings, not pain, but pure delight. I can almost feel the emotion like a tangible thing, like a thick, heavy, delightfully warm and snuggly blanket, or like curling up in a four-poster bed with the curtains closed.

Yes, this is *after* the NRE faded. Hell, this is what the NRE evolved into. I can still see his faults. Much as I love him, he sure as hell *does* have faults, just like the rest of us. I see him as he truly is, good parts, faults, and all, and I love him so strongly and so deeply that I need to dampen it so I don't go running around the block singing at the top of my lungs. I need to dampen it down because otherwise it is overwhelming.

I think I need to remember to let the dampeners off more often. Does anyone else do this, or am I the only one?

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