Love

[omimouse]

Fair warning folks, this one's fairly long and personal.


I don't often allow myself to feel at full strength. Oh, I don't mean every emotion I have. I don't need to watch the minor likes and dislikes, or even really try to control my annoyance or chipperness. The strong ones though, those I have to sort of dampen down until they're bearable in everyday life.

Hate, rage, mindless terror, pain, those are the obvious ones. Most people seem to assume that when you talk about pushing or muting an emotion down that you are talking about those. They don't tend to think about love.

I love my family. I love them very much, and for almost all of them, I don't need to dampen that love. Of those that I don't need to dampen it for, Catchild comes closest to me needing to dampen it down. I don't, because it helps her to be reminded that people love her.

For Warin, however, I need to dampen my feelings down. I've tried to write down the explanation for why I need to for the past ten minutes, so I think I'll take it from the other side and explain what it feels like when I allow myself to fully feel my love for Warin.

It feels like there's this heavy warm weight on my chest, spreading all the way down into me, down as far as I can feel.
I can feel tears starting to well up and my breathing begin to become laboured. I feel a joy and happiness so intense that it crosses the border into pain and then back into happiness. It's like being hit over and over again with a blue whale, except that each blow brings, not pain, but pure delight. I can almost feel the emotion like a tangible thing, like a thick, heavy, delightfully warm and snuggly blanket, or like curling up in a four-poster bed with the curtains closed.

Yes, this is *after* the NRE faded. Hell, this is what the NRE evolved into. I can still see his faults. Much as I love him, he sure as hell *does* have faults, just like the rest of us. I see him as he truly is, good parts, faults, and all, and I love him so strongly and so deeply that I need to dampen it so I don't go running around the block singing at the top of my lungs. I need to dampen it down because otherwise it is overwhelming.

I think I need to remember to let the dampeners off more often. Does anyone else do this, or am I the only one?

Comments

"see also"

[dimers.livejournal.com]

silly, you know you don't have a block to run around! =)

i don't get overwhelmed by my emotions, except frustration (as noted in my LJ -- i really need to learn how to tape in links). i do often bounce with joy, or with happiness if Joy is busy, but i don't consider that overwhelmed. could be the same as what you're describing, though: i keep it in check most of the day, and bounce when cuted at repeatedly. it's just not a conscious loss of control.

also re: strong emotions, please see my response to your response to my note about your response to my OTHER post, i really REALLY need to learn how to paste in links, i should take a breath now *gaaaaaasp*

hope 'tis not rude of me to inquire: so ... what IS the reason you gotta damp for the Bear? seems to me that he needs the reminders every bit as much as catchild ... *sigh* also really need to learn to post username links. input! need iiiiinnnpuuuut!

Re: "see also"

[omimouse.livejournal.com]

Why I have to damp my feelings for Warin? (gently teasing) *You* try walking around with a heavy weight on your chest and while being whacked with a blue whale. I damp it because it's so strong that it tends to wash out anything else.

See, the thing with me is that when I feel this strongly about something or someone, the feeling is overpowering. When I feel it fully, it doesn't really leave room for anything else. I have the capacity to love many people, yes. In fact, I love the rest of my family more than most married folks that I've seen love their spouses. (Note the 'most' and 'that I've seen' up there, please)

Actually, looking up at that statement, let me revise something I said earlier: I feel *everything* very strongly. I just realized that all this was an attempt on my part to describe the difference that I feel between loving someone and being in love with someone.

I guess my real question then is this: Is there anyone else out there who feels things this strongly? For most of my life, friends and relatives have distanced themselves from me because they couldn't handle my *friendship*, let alone anything stronger. Why? Why is it that my family (Sanctuary group) can not only handle it, but return it? Hell, is the fact that I feel things this strongly a problem?

Re: "see also"

[titaniablue.livejournal.com]

at the top of this page (assuming you're not just reading this via email) is a row of menus. the one that says help has a FAQ (frequently asked questions) that tells you how to paste in a link and the LJ-specific tags you need to make titaniablue look like titaniablue.