Sunshine Up The Ass And Real Life
Jul. 14th, 2005 07:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
omimouseAnd now, the other update.
If I ever manage to get my hands on amy of the poly folks that call the rest of us 'bitter', 'negative', or 'pesimistic', I'm going to have a long conversation with them that will involve my Club O'Real Life +4 vs People Who Blow Sunshine Up Their Ass.
Sanctuary has been spending the last 2.5 years changing. Rather drastically, might I add. We are trying to get rid of destructive behaviour patterns, manage the house better, and are dealing with a very sensitive checkbook. Add three kids and eight cats to this mix, not one, not two, but three major relationships collapsing, a move and some very unstable jobs into this mix, and what do you have?
I'll be perfectly blunt: A miracle, because we're still together. Do you want to know how we pulled off staying together? By knowing from the get-go that the odds were stacked rather hideously against us, by not pulling rose-coloured silk over our eyes, and by being bloody careful because of knowing this and not trying to be 'positive' about everything.
When we were all first moved in together in January of 2001, we were somewhat more sunshiney. At least, I was. Then again, I was also 19. We were not careful; that bad stuff happened to other polyfolk; it would never happen to us! Warin and Catchild's marriage did not survive 2002. I honestly think that the fact that none of us wanted to talk about anything unpleasant with each other until it was to bloody late was a large part of this. We dodged the elephant in the living room, we tried to hide it under tea cozies; in short, we did everything but acknowledge its existence.
We learned from that. Catchild and Warin are still very close friends. They still care about each other, and they still love each other. They can still live together, in fact, they very much do not want to live apart. At least, not any further apart than different houses on the same property. Their friendship did not go the way of their marriage because they both started talking to each other.
That makes it all sound so nice and neat and clinical. It was Hell, and anyone that tells you that a ten year marriage falling in on itself isn't painful needs a good hard slap. I held them both during that time period, and got seriously salt-soaked. I held Warin while he screamed because it hurt that fucking badly, and that was the only way he could let it out without hurting himself. I watched how hard it was for them to come to terms with an incredibly painful truth: The marriage was not going to work. They both still hurt over that. Their continued friendship was something that they fought for.
What we learned from that was that not talking about problems in the hopes that they'll go away is an incredibly bad idea. That was where our monthly family meetings came from. You would not believe how much more smoothly things run when you take the time to get everybody back on the same page once a month.
Major relationships 2 and 3 going kablooie . . . That would be December 2003 and most of 2004. Feel free to go through my journal and read about my perspective on all that if you wish; that is something that still hurts a very great deal. Long story short: Catchild and Drkn lost a mutual primary relationship during that timeframe. Completely. Friendship and all, at least as far as I can tell. Messily. It made Warin and Catchild's marital collpase look like a couple of kindergardeners breaking up. It was bad, okay?
That led to the rest of us pulling Catchild and Drkn aside and figuring out at what point a problem in a personal relationship was no longer just a problem in a personal relationship. For those curious as to what we decided: When the rest of the family is getting hit with side-effects and/or fallout, the problem has become a family problem, and it will be handled and discussed as such. By some miracle, we did not destroy each other as Catchild and Drkn struggled to put their lives back together. I rather suspect that Catchild was trying to actively push us away during part of that. I think she was convinced that we were all going to leave, so she wanted to get it out of the way now, instead of get hit with it years down the road.
Marriage does not make problems go away. It does not wave a happy wand and stop arguments, financial troubles, dirty diapers, cat-boxes, and annoying habits. There will be rough spots. There will be times when you wonder why the hell you ever got married in the first place, even if you only wonder in the deepest part of your mind. A lot of folks, both mono and poly, don't stay together very long. I hear that the average for a poly marriage is about four years, max. (Anyone with hard numbers, please feel free to step forth.) Acknowledging this does not make a person 'bitter', 'negative', or 'pesimistic'. If you know these things, then you are more than likely better prepared for them. If you know that there will be problems during the course of your marriage, then you are at least slightly better prepared to deal with them when they crop up. Being better prepared for them means that the problems are less likely to break your marriage. Eventually, being prepared will mean you can handle most problems before they really become problems. Not having to spend as much time dealing with problems means more free time.
Yeah, there'll always be things so very big, nasty, and unexpected that they could break you. That would be life in general. The difference is whether you're willing to acknowledge them. make reasonable preparations, and then do your best to enjoy life, or whether you hide under rose-coloured silk and try not to see the monsters because they'll make your world less pretty, up until the moment when they shred the silk and eat you alive.
If I ever manage to get my hands on amy of the poly folks that call the rest of us 'bitter', 'negative', or 'pesimistic', I'm going to have a long conversation with them that will involve my Club O'Real Life +4 vs People Who Blow Sunshine Up Their Ass.
Sanctuary has been spending the last 2.5 years changing. Rather drastically, might I add. We are trying to get rid of destructive behaviour patterns, manage the house better, and are dealing with a very sensitive checkbook. Add three kids and eight cats to this mix, not one, not two, but three major relationships collapsing, a move and some very unstable jobs into this mix, and what do you have?
I'll be perfectly blunt: A miracle, because we're still together. Do you want to know how we pulled off staying together? By knowing from the get-go that the odds were stacked rather hideously against us, by not pulling rose-coloured silk over our eyes, and by being bloody careful because of knowing this and not trying to be 'positive' about everything.
When we were all first moved in together in January of 2001, we were somewhat more sunshiney. At least, I was. Then again, I was also 19. We were not careful; that bad stuff happened to other polyfolk; it would never happen to us! Warin and Catchild's marriage did not survive 2002. I honestly think that the fact that none of us wanted to talk about anything unpleasant with each other until it was to bloody late was a large part of this. We dodged the elephant in the living room, we tried to hide it under tea cozies; in short, we did everything but acknowledge its existence.
We learned from that. Catchild and Warin are still very close friends. They still care about each other, and they still love each other. They can still live together, in fact, they very much do not want to live apart. At least, not any further apart than different houses on the same property. Their friendship did not go the way of their marriage because they both started talking to each other.
That makes it all sound so nice and neat and clinical. It was Hell, and anyone that tells you that a ten year marriage falling in on itself isn't painful needs a good hard slap. I held them both during that time period, and got seriously salt-soaked. I held Warin while he screamed because it hurt that fucking badly, and that was the only way he could let it out without hurting himself. I watched how hard it was for them to come to terms with an incredibly painful truth: The marriage was not going to work. They both still hurt over that. Their continued friendship was something that they fought for.
What we learned from that was that not talking about problems in the hopes that they'll go away is an incredibly bad idea. That was where our monthly family meetings came from. You would not believe how much more smoothly things run when you take the time to get everybody back on the same page once a month.
Major relationships 2 and 3 going kablooie . . . That would be December 2003 and most of 2004. Feel free to go through my journal and read about my perspective on all that if you wish; that is something that still hurts a very great deal. Long story short: Catchild and Drkn lost a mutual primary relationship during that timeframe. Completely. Friendship and all, at least as far as I can tell. Messily. It made Warin and Catchild's marital collpase look like a couple of kindergardeners breaking up. It was bad, okay?
That led to the rest of us pulling Catchild and Drkn aside and figuring out at what point a problem in a personal relationship was no longer just a problem in a personal relationship. For those curious as to what we decided: When the rest of the family is getting hit with side-effects and/or fallout, the problem has become a family problem, and it will be handled and discussed as such. By some miracle, we did not destroy each other as Catchild and Drkn struggled to put their lives back together. I rather suspect that Catchild was trying to actively push us away during part of that. I think she was convinced that we were all going to leave, so she wanted to get it out of the way now, instead of get hit with it years down the road.
Marriage does not make problems go away. It does not wave a happy wand and stop arguments, financial troubles, dirty diapers, cat-boxes, and annoying habits. There will be rough spots. There will be times when you wonder why the hell you ever got married in the first place, even if you only wonder in the deepest part of your mind. A lot of folks, both mono and poly, don't stay together very long. I hear that the average for a poly marriage is about four years, max. (Anyone with hard numbers, please feel free to step forth.) Acknowledging this does not make a person 'bitter', 'negative', or 'pesimistic'. If you know these things, then you are more than likely better prepared for them. If you know that there will be problems during the course of your marriage, then you are at least slightly better prepared to deal with them when they crop up. Being better prepared for them means that the problems are less likely to break your marriage. Eventually, being prepared will mean you can handle most problems before they really become problems. Not having to spend as much time dealing with problems means more free time.
Yeah, there'll always be things so very big, nasty, and unexpected that they could break you. That would be life in general. The difference is whether you're willing to acknowledge them. make reasonable preparations, and then do your best to enjoy life, or whether you hide under rose-coloured silk and try not to see the monsters because they'll make your world less pretty, up until the moment when they shred the silk and eat you alive.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-15 11:43 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-15 01:42 pm (UTC)Stuff like that. Mostly the poly coms of late, though.