A New Year
Jan. 1st, 2005 11:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
omimouseFor the record, this post is almost directly a stream of conciousness. I am doing my best to not self-censor, and am only cleaning up so that those not in my head can actually make sense of it. Yes, this is really how my mind works, and how my thoughts run, complete with the fact that there is always music playing in my head. When the music in the back of my mind is silent, there's a problem.
(added after body of post was written) And before anyone panics or anything, I am not suicidal. Okay? No, really, I'm not. Both my guys are in the same room as I am right now. I'll be okay.
Queen of Light took her bow/And then she turned to go/The Prince of Peace embraced the gloom/And walked the night alone. The song runs and runs through my head. The ache follows. It's not a gaping wound anymore; this is good. It still hurts, and it will hurt always. She left. She left, and I may very well lose some of those I love because of it. I cannot bridge the gap. She will not hear me, and my throat is raw. My children need me. My husband needs me. My mate needs me. My sister (sister by choice, someone for whom I would live, she who holds a piece of my heart) needs me. I do not know if her mate needs me, or if my presence makes his world a better place. I hope it does. They need me, and more importantly, they want me in their lives. I cannot call her back. I will not interfere with free will. I no longer know what to do. I cannot do this anymore, not by myself.
Sing to the morning light I have a husband. I also have a mate. I love them. Love them so very, very much. They brighten my life, make it better, make it happier. The touch of a hand, the smile on a face, the sound of laughter in the morning. They are comfortable with each other; better than that, they like each other. They share my life with me. I did not know that simply having that could make life so much more joyous. I cherish them. I cherish my daughters, all three of them. They make me proud, and happy, and delighted, and upset, and worried, and angry, and I would not give motherhood up for anything. My sister is a bright star in my life. We are not sisters by blood. If our personalities were different, we might have been lovers. We are sisters instead, and I am not bothered by 'what ifs'. She is dear to my heart. I consider her mate to be an older brother to me. He is sweet, and suprisingly enough, shy. When he forgets himself and smiles, really, truly drops his guard and smiles,( The whole of creation is there in your eyes) I catch my breath at the pure joy in his eyes. I would do a lot to bring that look into his eyes more frequently.
So here we stand between the gates/Upon the dawn the eagle waits I do not know what I am waiting for. It feels like I've had Damocles's sword hanging over my head for a little over a year now. Still the dragons reign supreme/Breathing fire till we scream/They leave us nothing but our dreams Politics is enough to make me weep right now. I struggle to do what I can, to not succumb to apathy, to fight for some form of sanity in government. Another sword upon a throne/But now the jester laughs alone I feel increasingly helpless. Half the populace sees me as immoral, and they see my right to wed a woman as a terrifying thing. I have been judged by people who have never seen me, and who do not know me. Let no one yield we're on the field/Where deeds eclipse the sun/Where the brave are told on a thread of gold/
The tapestry is spun Hope refuses to die. Small things spark it back to life, and I return to the fight for equality anew.
I did my best, it wasn't much/I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch/I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you And it all comes back to this. I'd be a fool to try to deny it. A little over a year ago, and the pain is still there. A little over a year, and I think that this is truly goodbye. But if I am to heal/I must first learn to feel I think I will always hurt for this, hurt over this. There was nothing else that I really could have done. And now, I wonder if I had actually done anything, would I merely have delayed the inevitable? There is little that can be done when someone has decided on a course of action, and she seems to have decided to leave us. Who wants to live forever/Who dares to love forever/Ooh ooh, when love must die Listening to Queen will always be bittersweet after this. This hurts more than I thought it would. I love her. I love her, and sometimes that means having to walk away. And I don't really want to. But I can't really try anymore. So I'm getting on with my life. The door is closed, but there's a candle in the window. Waiting for someone who will more than likely never come back, but it's there to light her way if she's willing to knock on the door.
I am in mourning. Astrid said goodbye earlier this year. I don't know how to do the same. How do you say goodbye? How do you mourn for someone still alive? How do you tell someone you love that you can't deal with this anymore? How do I tell the woman I saw as a mother that this hurts too much? How do I tell her that I think she's wrong? How do I hurt her least and not rip myself to pieces in the process? How do I deal with the fact that a substantial part of me really doesn't care how much it hurts her, so long as the message gets through? The circle is unbroken, but it is no longer truly open.
Now the world is gone/I'm just one And here I thought that I wouldn't be able to survive through a third shattering of a family that I'm a part of. Oh please God wake me
(added after body of post was written) And before anyone panics or anything, I am not suicidal. Okay? No, really, I'm not. Both my guys are in the same room as I am right now. I'll be okay.
Queen of Light took her bow/And then she turned to go/The Prince of Peace embraced the gloom/And walked the night alone. The song runs and runs through my head. The ache follows. It's not a gaping wound anymore; this is good. It still hurts, and it will hurt always. She left. She left, and I may very well lose some of those I love because of it. I cannot bridge the gap. She will not hear me, and my throat is raw. My children need me. My husband needs me. My mate needs me. My sister (sister by choice, someone for whom I would live, she who holds a piece of my heart) needs me. I do not know if her mate needs me, or if my presence makes his world a better place. I hope it does. They need me, and more importantly, they want me in their lives. I cannot call her back. I will not interfere with free will. I no longer know what to do. I cannot do this anymore, not by myself.
Sing to the morning light I have a husband. I also have a mate. I love them. Love them so very, very much. They brighten my life, make it better, make it happier. The touch of a hand, the smile on a face, the sound of laughter in the morning. They are comfortable with each other; better than that, they like each other. They share my life with me. I did not know that simply having that could make life so much more joyous. I cherish them. I cherish my daughters, all three of them. They make me proud, and happy, and delighted, and upset, and worried, and angry, and I would not give motherhood up for anything. My sister is a bright star in my life. We are not sisters by blood. If our personalities were different, we might have been lovers. We are sisters instead, and I am not bothered by 'what ifs'. She is dear to my heart. I consider her mate to be an older brother to me. He is sweet, and suprisingly enough, shy. When he forgets himself and smiles, really, truly drops his guard and smiles,( The whole of creation is there in your eyes) I catch my breath at the pure joy in his eyes. I would do a lot to bring that look into his eyes more frequently.
So here we stand between the gates/Upon the dawn the eagle waits I do not know what I am waiting for. It feels like I've had Damocles's sword hanging over my head for a little over a year now. Still the dragons reign supreme/Breathing fire till we scream/They leave us nothing but our dreams Politics is enough to make me weep right now. I struggle to do what I can, to not succumb to apathy, to fight for some form of sanity in government. Another sword upon a throne/But now the jester laughs alone I feel increasingly helpless. Half the populace sees me as immoral, and they see my right to wed a woman as a terrifying thing. I have been judged by people who have never seen me, and who do not know me. Let no one yield we're on the field/Where deeds eclipse the sun/Where the brave are told on a thread of gold/
The tapestry is spun Hope refuses to die. Small things spark it back to life, and I return to the fight for equality anew.
I did my best, it wasn't much/I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch/I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you And it all comes back to this. I'd be a fool to try to deny it. A little over a year ago, and the pain is still there. A little over a year, and I think that this is truly goodbye. But if I am to heal/I must first learn to feel I think I will always hurt for this, hurt over this. There was nothing else that I really could have done. And now, I wonder if I had actually done anything, would I merely have delayed the inevitable? There is little that can be done when someone has decided on a course of action, and she seems to have decided to leave us. Who wants to live forever/Who dares to love forever/Ooh ooh, when love must die Listening to Queen will always be bittersweet after this. This hurts more than I thought it would. I love her. I love her, and sometimes that means having to walk away. And I don't really want to. But I can't really try anymore. So I'm getting on with my life. The door is closed, but there's a candle in the window. Waiting for someone who will more than likely never come back, but it's there to light her way if she's willing to knock on the door.
I am in mourning. Astrid said goodbye earlier this year. I don't know how to do the same. How do you say goodbye? How do you mourn for someone still alive? How do you tell someone you love that you can't deal with this anymore? How do I tell the woman I saw as a mother that this hurts too much? How do I tell her that I think she's wrong? How do I hurt her least and not rip myself to pieces in the process? How do I deal with the fact that a substantial part of me really doesn't care how much it hurts her, so long as the message gets through? The circle is unbroken, but it is no longer truly open.
Now the world is gone/I'm just one And here I thought that I wouldn't be able to survive through a third shattering of a family that I'm a part of. Oh please God wake me
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2005-01-02 04:05 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-01-02 04:23 pm (UTC)And it's not your fault that she doesn't talk to any of the rest of us. I watched Drkn work full weeks on either second or third shift, with overtime almost literally every Saturday, keep up with farm work and finances, and struggle to keep a relationship going. It was why he held onto the cell phone for so long, even when we really couldn't afford it. It was why we kept paying for the cell phone, even far past the point when the money really wasn't there. It meant that he could talk to her on the way to or from work.
Her leaving the rest of us is not your fault, love. Then again, I don't think that she ever came down for the rest of us anyway, so I don't even really know if we're losing her. You can't lose what you never had in the first place.