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omimouseWell we have had the Grand Bitch Session. Louis was kind enough to act as moderator.
Warin and Catchild are officially (but not legally) no longer a couple. We've also sorted out a lot of the other issues that have been accumulating over the past six months or so.
Highly personal issues in regards to myself and Warin follow; you have been warned.
Well, I knew there were still a few more major issues I was going to be helping Warin out with, but I wasn't expecting this to be one of them.
Warin has been/is dealing with feeling guilty about wanting sex. Extremely guilty. As in "There is obviously something wrong with Naomi, because she wants/enjoys having sex. With me, of all people."
Most of this seems to be the result of his upbringing. He saw sex as something that is done to a woman, as opposed to with her. He saw society punishing women woh are sexual. After all, a man who has lots of sex is manly, a woman who does the same is a slut. Single mothers are socially stigmatized. His parents weren't much help; church really didn't help, school enforced it; it took getting an adult magazine from a friend at the age of 13 for him to go find his dad, sit him down, and say: "Dad, we need to have a talk about the birds and the bees . . ."
He honestly believes that he is a horrible, dirty person for wanting to be sexual with a woman, because he believes that women just don't enjoy sex. He hates himself for having a sex-drive.
I'd love to be able to take him to a sexual therapist, but insurance won't cover it, and we can't afford it. Right now, his sexual therapist is me. The fact that I love him, and very obviously enjoy making love with him does seem to be helping, since he's just this side of thinking that any sexual act that involves a woman is unwilling and/or unenjoyed on the woman's part.
I love him. When he just can't stand to be sexual I hold him and reassure him that it's okay, that no is a valid answer, that yes, he's still allowed to pet me. I think I'm doing this right. Dear gods, I hope I'm doing this right. Any advice that people are willing to give me will be gratefully received.
Warin and Catchild are officially (but not legally) no longer a couple. We've also sorted out a lot of the other issues that have been accumulating over the past six months or so.
Highly personal issues in regards to myself and Warin follow; you have been warned.
Well, I knew there were still a few more major issues I was going to be helping Warin out with, but I wasn't expecting this to be one of them.
Warin has been/is dealing with feeling guilty about wanting sex. Extremely guilty. As in "There is obviously something wrong with Naomi, because she wants/enjoys having sex. With me, of all people."
Most of this seems to be the result of his upbringing. He saw sex as something that is done to a woman, as opposed to with her. He saw society punishing women woh are sexual. After all, a man who has lots of sex is manly, a woman who does the same is a slut. Single mothers are socially stigmatized. His parents weren't much help; church really didn't help, school enforced it; it took getting an adult magazine from a friend at the age of 13 for him to go find his dad, sit him down, and say: "Dad, we need to have a talk about the birds and the bees . . ."
He honestly believes that he is a horrible, dirty person for wanting to be sexual with a woman, because he believes that women just don't enjoy sex. He hates himself for having a sex-drive.
I'd love to be able to take him to a sexual therapist, but insurance won't cover it, and we can't afford it. Right now, his sexual therapist is me. The fact that I love him, and very obviously enjoy making love with him does seem to be helping, since he's just this side of thinking that any sexual act that involves a woman is unwilling and/or unenjoyed on the woman's part.
I love him. When he just can't stand to be sexual I hold him and reassure him that it's okay, that no is a valid answer, that yes, he's still allowed to pet me. I think I'm doing this right. Dear gods, I hope I'm doing this right. Any advice that people are willing to give me will be gratefully received.
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Date: 2003-06-10 09:52 pm (UTC)In terms of advice, what you're doing is sound. If Scott seems traumatized about sex, the best therapy is to slowly expose him to sexual interaction, extremely gradually, and stop when he says to. Give him a boundary of where things will stop, if that makes him feel more comfortable, and discuss the boundary before touching. But generally, showing him that you want him and it's okay is the right way to go. He's lucky to have you. :)