Grieving

[omimouse]

AOL hath been shot in the head. We are now (finally!) live on ISDN, and the phones are actually back online again after a weekend of not ringing through. I'm busy with a PS game called Suikoden, and . . . OK, enough of this.



I find myself trying to force myself into an attitide of general good cheer. I have more reasons to be happy than not, after all. We're all healthy over here. We have a roof over our heads, lots of land, working vehicles, electricity, running water, books, computers, a TV with lots of stuff plugged into it right now, and I shouldn't be feeling like there's this big black hole where my torso is.

I am upset. I'm worried for catchild's mom. I'm extremeley upset about the mess that is Sanctuary's relationship with the Nashville crowd. I'm scared that titaniablue thinks that we've forgotten about her. For that matter I'm very worried for her. I'm worried about catchild and Ebon. They're upset and hurting and short-tempered a lot these days, and I can't seem to help them at all. Dragon is being a whiny, bad-tempered, ill-mannered child. I haven't heard from fionah in a while, and I'm worried about her as well.

And Astrid is so far into a cold rage that she's not even remotely human-like at this point. My soulsister is hunting the non-physical realms for something or someone, and she is spiraling along the killing edge. She has formally requested a boon of both Kali Ma and Kali Durga. I have only a vague idea of what Astrid is doing, but since it doesn't involve anything even remotely illegal in this country, I'm not going to push the issue. That still doesn't make sharing headspace with a howling, raging panther who's trying to pretend that she isn't in large amounts of emotional pain any easier

I want to fix things. I want for what happened at last year's Winter Solstice bonfire to not have happened. I want catchild's mom to not have cancer. I want to see dimers and chaiya and cristovau again. I want to not be hit by sudden, inexplicable, heart-rending grief for what appears to be no reason. I want to see catchild and Ebon laugh again, laugh and have it actually reach their eyes. I want mikailova to be completely healthy.

I want to be picked up and rocked and told that it will all be okay. I know better. If we're going to be okay again, we have to do it ourselves. I'm actually even pretty sure that we'll be okay again. The road there can just be very painful at times.

Mourning a loss usually is.

Comments

Re: hug the mousie

[dimers.livejournal.com]

Hmm. Try not inflicting it on yourselves, too! =)