Surviving

Sparked by misia's post.

I have never been raped, or sexually abused in any fashion that I can remember. I don't count the guy that was busy playing with himself in the kids play area at a beach in the Netherlands when I was 12, because we all laughed at him something fierce. Never seen anyone turn so red or run so fast.

I have, however, been abused. It has taken me four long years to realize that trying to compare types of abuse, and state that what happened to me wasn't as bad as what happened to, say, catchild, and therefore my pain isn't as important, is ludicrous. What was done to me left damage all the same. I have flashbacks of my own.

I have difficulty believing that anyone will believe me, or take my word on anything. I used to have to struggle to even disagree with any large male that I consider to hold authority over me. I am far to used to having any problem I have be made fun of extensively, to the point that my instinctive tactics for bringing up a problem involve first ticking off whoever I'm talking with, becuase that way they'll at least listen to me instead of laugh. I have trouble with initiative. If I haven't been expressly told to do something, I still feel uncomfortable doing it, because doing something you haven't been told to do, no matter what it is, will get you into trouble.

I don't dwell on my childhood every day. When I do, my energy is spent more on undoing the damage that what was done than on raging about the fact that there's damage there in the first place.

My parents will never believe that they were abusive. I still love them. I will never again live under their roof, or permit them any further control over my life, however.

So, even though I'm not sure I have a right to put myself next to the others who have responded to the original:

I'm Naomi. I'm a survivor of emotional and physical violence.
No Pity. No Shame. No Silence.