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Emotional Lancing
Nov. 9th, 2003 11:13 pmI am seeing way to many examples recently of polyamory going not just wrong, but wrong in a hideously nasty and ugly way. My family is actually working right now, but it was a near thing for a few years there. Some days it still feels like it is.
I'm scared of losing this, of losing my family. How do you do this? How do you put damn near everything you've got, day in, day out, into keeping it all together, and then not panic when it starts to get the slightest bit shaky?
I've been told that I have a strong tendency to micromanage and over-mother family members, especially the children. I think that this is where it stems from. I'm terrified that if things start to go off track by even the tiniest margin, the whole family will fall apart. Therefore, I jump all over anything that isn't in line.
(sigh) If there's a worse response that I could be having, I can't think of it. The problem is, I've lost two families already. My grandmother cut herself and all of our relations on that side off when I was 17 because we refused to go along with her every whim. I moved out of my parent's house when I was 19 because of the emotional abuse. I have already lost two families, and I lost them after a few years worth of trying to hang on and make it work.
I cannot lose another. Okay. Cause for problem is not likely to change any time soon. Next step: Change symptom, or deal with a self-fufilling prophecy. Okay. This, I think, I can do. I just need to figure out *how*.
On a good note, however, just getting all that out has helped me to feel immensly better.
I'm scared of losing this, of losing my family. How do you do this? How do you put damn near everything you've got, day in, day out, into keeping it all together, and then not panic when it starts to get the slightest bit shaky?
I've been told that I have a strong tendency to micromanage and over-mother family members, especially the children. I think that this is where it stems from. I'm terrified that if things start to go off track by even the tiniest margin, the whole family will fall apart. Therefore, I jump all over anything that isn't in line.
(sigh) If there's a worse response that I could be having, I can't think of it. The problem is, I've lost two families already. My grandmother cut herself and all of our relations on that side off when I was 17 because we refused to go along with her every whim. I moved out of my parent's house when I was 19 because of the emotional abuse. I have already lost two families, and I lost them after a few years worth of trying to hang on and make it work.
I cannot lose another. Okay. Cause for problem is not likely to change any time soon. Next step: Change symptom, or deal with a self-fufilling prophecy. Okay. This, I think, I can do. I just need to figure out *how*.
On a good note, however, just getting all that out has helped me to feel immensly better.
