Emotional Crap

[omimouse]

Ground, center, shield. Ground, center, shield. Ground, center, shield. Damnit all, I thought I knew how to do this! Ground, center, shield. Ground, center . . . shit, there goes my ground again.

-sigh- I am an empath. catchild is not exactly in the most stable of headspaces at the moment, and will likely be like that for a while. I do not need to be broadcasting pain, despair, grief, and anguish all over the fucking place. Not being able to stuff the emotions back into the little box in my head that they've been in for the past year and a half isn't helping.

I need to deal with stuff that I hadn't dealt with because I needed to be stable for that year and a half. I needed to be stable, because Catchild and ebonunicorn were damn near going nova. I still need to be stable, but what's inside that box needs to be dealt with. What's inside that box needs to be felt, never mind how much I don't want to deal with it, to feel it. There are things inside that box that I don't like to think came of me, because under all the pain is rage so strong that it is almost hatred.

And what's inside that box is leaking out and shredding the shields that keep me from ramming how I feel down the throats of every sensitive around me. Dear gods, those are just the leaks. I don't want to do this.

Unfortunately, I know that whether I want to or not, I need to.

Comments

[omimouse.livejournal.com]

Can L help at all?

If you mean louisadkins, then yes, he and I will be working on this together tomorrow night. At the small house, away from both Catchild and the children.

Right now I'm feeling pretty grumpy for being this upset over something that happened almost two years ago now. Logically, I know that it's because I didn't deal with it at the time that it happened. Emotionally, it feels like someone died a year and a half ago, and I'm just now starting to mourn, and at an incredibly inoppurtune time at that.

[gingicat]

Yes, that's who I meant, I wasn't sure if I should use his LJ name.

I don't know what happened two years ago, but I remember how you were basically rescued from an abusive household back when I first met you on a.c. 4 years ago, and that's not something that one gets over easily. Even if you *had* dealt with it at the time, you could very well still be dealing with it. I'm sure that dealing with K hasn't helped at all with those memories.

Best of luck, and please, don't be mad at yourself when one session doesn't do the trick.

*hugs*

[omimouse.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

-wraps self up in hugs-

I'm more worried about warinbear right now than I am about me. He has a history of being to willing to blame himself and/or be upset when he can't help. In this case, his work schedule makes helping with emotional crap that the kids and Catchild don't need to deal with exceedingly difficult.

This, love, is your reminder that you are helping by spending time with me.

[dimers.livejournal.com]

you are helping by spending time with me.

And by providing for the family financially, too: life has to go on while Emotional Crap Gets Processed. It's no small chore to work for money at all, never mind when you know you have to hope or trust that others will get what they need without your active help.