omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Water Mouse)
I had something of an epiphany last night.

So there I was, getting all worked up and knotting myself into a little ball of emotions over the whole concept of being hated for things beyond my control. And then [livejournal.com profile] warinbear asked me why I was so worked up about this.

I figured it out. Hatred, to me, is an incredibly personal emotion. It is as personal and deep as love. In fact, to me, it is the flip side of love. For me, the idea of hating someone that you do not know is a next to impossible concept. So, I hear folks ranting about women, or gays, or polyfolk, or Pagans, or whites, or what have you, and I take it personally. Very personally. And it twists at me and bothers me and gets under my skin and hurts.

And then Warin reminded me that I'm the odd one out when it comes to hatred. That for most folks, they need to turn the object(s) of their hatred into a faceless mass to truly be able to hate them.

So, it's not about me. There's nothing that I'm doing that's causing me to be hated, it's something that they're doing to themselves.

I had always thought that if I was just nice enough, and friendly enough, and enough of a polite, accepting, sweet, good person, that I wouldn't be hated. I'm not going to change from trying my best to be that kind of person. Hells, that's the kind of person that I am on an average day, never mind on a good one. That's why it got under my skin so much when someone hated me anyway. I was convinced that I'd screwed up somewhere.

Now? Now I'm just going to be that nice person, and remind myself that the problem is with the bigots, not with me. Maybe they'll be able to see me as a person. Maybe not. In any case, the vinditive part of me is cackling with sadistic glee at the thought of being persistently nice and friendly to them.

After all, it's bound to bug the everlovin' shit outta them.

Damnitall

Jan. 12th, 2006 01:50 am
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Astrid)
Well, that was probably not the best of ideas, but I did it anyway.

I just got involved in a debate on racism. I tried to not get involved, because long experience in the US has taught me that if you're white, you're not allowed to have an opinion on stuff like this. Not usually, anyway. Exceptions, as always, exist.

Y'know, there are days where I wish that there were these massive sprinkler systems everywhere. They would spray a thick layer of paint, random colour selections. You wouldn't be able to tell what colour anyone was. And if the paint was thick enough, you wouldn't be able to tell gender. No pre-concieved notions, you'd just have to go on how they treated you, what kind of person they were. Or I wish everyone was blind.

Some days, I just wish for the sun to go nova, before we spread the disease of hatred beyond our solar system.

Do folks have any idea how it sounds to be told that you can hide your sexuality, so that doesn't count? Or have they just never really been in love with someone of the same gender?

And here I thought it was just the neo-Cons and Dominionist Christians that hated me sight unseen for things that I cannot really control.
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Default)
And now, the other update.

If I ever manage to get my hands on amy of the poly folks that call the rest of us 'bitter', 'negative', or 'pesimistic', I'm going to have a long conversation with them that will involve my Club O'Real Life +4 vs People Who Blow Sunshine Up Their Ass.
This got long. If you believe in twu wuv, that being married means never having to say you're sorry, and that if you love each other enough, you'll never fight, then you probably don't want to read this. It might be a good idea anyway, though. )
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Default)
I've been hearing (and reading, for that matter) lots of stuff about the poly communities appearing to not have a lot of love in them.

And I find myself really wanting to post about the V that I'm currently in. That, and the whole family setup out here at Sanctuary. Problem is, I don't want to come across as holier-than-thou about it. Yes, we've got our share of problems, same as any family.

So I think I'll go with how I tripped into poly.
I wasn't expecting it to turn out this long. Honest. )
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Default)
I need to calm down and back off.

I am seriously over-stressed right now, and I don't have a clue how to go about fixing it.

Laundry List )
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Default)
Lotsa emotional crap behind the cut - you have been warned.

Read more... )

My Family

Jan. 8th, 2004 05:01 pm
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Default)
I love y'all. I love the lot of you, and you're all acting like a bunch of schoolkids. Who's dating who? Who's going to the prom with who? Who gave who a bracelet? Who did you catch kissing whom behind the bleachers? Did they go all the way?

Yes folks, the whole lot of ya'll are coming across as that juvenile. I make no distinction, and I am not seperating you out. I am fed up with watching some of the most responsible, rational, intelligent people I know acting this immature.

My previous post was meant as a starting point for rational, reasonable, calm discussion of the problems the family is dealing with right now. It was *not* meant as the tinder for a flame-war! And you *all* helped throw oil on this fire. No "But Ebon's being too combative" or "[livejournal.com profile] reana doesn't visit enough" or [livejournal.com profile] catchild's being overly melodramatic" or "[livejournal.com profile] reana/[livejournal.com profile] catchild/Ebon is making ultimatums." This is one relationship that you *all* managed to fuck over. You weren't paying enough attention to each other, or you weren't allowing enough attention to be payed to you, or you weren't talking with each other or you were making it impossible for anyone to talk with you, etc., etc., etc.

Right. Well, I would like to point out that having four people decide what's going to happen to the family structure without giving the rest of the family a chance to salvage anything is really fucking inconsiderate. And I'm really tired of being told that this is a four person issue, especially when part of me is bound, heart, mind, and soul to one of the people that I stand to lose to this idiocy.

*I'm* making this an issue for the whole family. Not anyone else. Me. My insistence that the rest of us not get left out of discussions that affect the whole family is a good part of why people want all of us there on Sunday. *I* want everyone there, because I'm sick and tired of family-wide decisions being made by four people. And I swear by the Sword and Scales of the Lady Justice, I am *not* going to be there to defend any of the adults. Or have any of you thought to consider how this will affect the children?

Now, can everyone do me a really big favour? Back down from the ultimatums, *all* of you. *Please*. Take a deep breath. Count to or down from any number you choose, in whatever language you choose. Calm down. Ground. Center. Shield. Remember that you love each other. Remember that love. Remember how it feels. Let that feeling wash away the anger.

We love each other. Friends are the family that you chose, and we are friends and family to each other. And, to quote a very smart little talking donkey: "That's what friends do! They forgive each other!!"
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Default)
For those interested in The Ongoing Saga (and especially for those of us who are part of it), I submit the following points:

Read more... )
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Astrid)
For the details behind this, please check out [livejournal.com profile] catchild's and [livejournal.com profile] warinbear's latest journal entries.

Okay. That lays the groundwork. My husband is upset and depressed because he can't help, I'm upset because I love [livejournal.com profile] catchild, Ebon, R, and I like J a lot, Ebon's upset, [livejournal.com profile] catchild's upset; in general, we're all upset.

I love my family. This is affecting me, too. I really want to just grab all those involved, throw them into a room together, and then throw a mediator at them so they actually talk this out. All of them. And yes, this *is* my business. This is no longer purely a personal problem, folks. The rest of us are hurting to. We're family to.

I'm going to insist that everone involved do *something*, prefferably before I snap and start beating folks about the head and shoulders with a large clue-by-four. Talk with each other, damnit! Don't make me do something stupid like bite you.

And this is supposed to be the *easy* way out? Someone's nuts.
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Astrid)
I ache )

If I get nothing else out of the past year, I'll have gotten at least this much: Several excellent examples of how *not* to handle a relationship, whether it be romantic or not. I grant all and sundry permission to whack me several times with a blunt object if I start to show signs of having communication problems. In fact, I'm *begging* folks to smack me if I start being uncommunicative and letting problems fester.

I've lost count of the number of relationships that I've watched implode over the last year because the people involved would not talk with each other. My New Year's resolution is to communicate, even when it's painful and/or embarrassing to do so.

What I want

Dec. 5th, 2003 11:54 am
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Naomi)
I still need to concise these a bit, I think. Should probably spell-check them as well.

I want to be able to be able to be on my spouse's insurance.

I want to be able to list the bio father of any child of mine on the birth certificate. (TN is a pain in the butt about this. Phooka's birth certificate currently has no father listed because they refused to allow us to put Ebon as the father. Then there are the problems with various state agencies. One said that they needed Warin's info because he is legally Catchild's spouse. The other wanted Ebon's info because he is Phooka's bio father. End result: We got the worst of both.)

Should I become divorced, I want all my spice to be involved in the question of custody and visitation.

I want to be able to take custody of non-bio children should one of my spice die.

I want legal visitation with non-bio children should custody go to someone else.

I want my spice to have next-of-kin status, as well as medical power of attorney and the right to visit me in the hospital.

I want to be able to file taxes as a married unit with my spice.

I want full legal parental rights in regards to my non-bio children.

Okay, need to edit that and e-mail it to[livejournal.com profile] noelfigart

Marriage

Nov. 29th, 2003 10:04 pm
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Astrid)
I don't get it. I honestly don't. What is honestly the problem with gay or poly marriage? Is it hurting somebody? Is it leaving bodies in the streets? Are orgies writhing their way through the mall and schools?

Here is the question: Why should gay and/or poly marriage not be legal? Do not refer to any religious texts in your answer. We are not a theocracy. You do not have the right to ram your religion down my throat. We are not the Taliban of the West, are we? Because if we are, then I'm going to the Netherlands and seeking political asylum.

I'm tired of reading the news and seeing the far right scream and wail about values and morals. I'm tired of being denied equal rights in my own country. I'm tired of watching hatred and fear dictate law. I'm tired of not feeling welcome in my own country. I'm tired, and I don't even understand why they hate us so much, why they want to deny us the right to marry, because It. Does. Not. Make. Any. Sense.

I'm not even angry. I'm alternating between pain and grief, and nothing. I feel so cold.

I'm going to go play Civ 3 for a while. Building things always helps me feel better.
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Default)
I looked up at the calender today, and stopped to think. I moved in January of 2001. Ebon's been living with Warin and Catchild since 2000, and he's been in a relationship with Catchild for about six years now. I've been here for almost three years now.

We've lived together, bought furniture, vehicles, land, and houses, together, raised and are raising children together, gone to restraunts, movies, and grocery stores together, packed and unpacked together, built things together, gamed together, cleaned the house together, cooked together . . .

It feels like I've been here all my life, when it's really been not quite three years. It's a day late, but I'm thankful for this. I'm thankful for my family.

I'm still scared at times. I'm not terrified anymore, though. And I finally can see how strong we actually are as a family, and I can see how small the chances are that we're going to fall apart. The control freak is finally fading.

There's a line from a Sandman comic that springs to mind right about now: "Sometimes you fall. And yes, sometimes you die. But sometimes you fly."

I'm flying.
omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Default)
I am seeing way to many examples recently of polyamory going not just wrong, but wrong in a hideously nasty and ugly way. My family is actually working right now, but it was a near thing for a few years there. Some days it still feels like it is.

I'm scared of losing this, of losing my family. How do you do this? How do you put damn near everything you've got, day in, day out, into keeping it all together, and then not panic when it starts to get the slightest bit shaky?

I've been told that I have a strong tendency to micromanage and over-mother family members, especially the children. I think that this is where it stems from. I'm terrified that if things start to go off track by even the tiniest margin, the whole family will fall apart. Therefore, I jump all over anything that isn't in line.

(sigh) If there's a worse response that I could be having, I can't think of it. The problem is, I've lost two families already. My grandmother cut herself and all of our relations on that side off when I was 17 because we refused to go along with her every whim. I moved out of my parent's house when I was 19 because of the emotional abuse. I have already lost two families, and I lost them after a few years worth of trying to hang on and make it work.

I cannot lose another. Okay. Cause for problem is not likely to change any time soon. Next step: Change symptom, or deal with a self-fufilling prophecy. Okay. This, I think, I can do. I just need to figure out *how*.

On a good note, however, just getting all that out has helped me to feel immensly better.

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omimouse: Digital painting of a mouse wielding a spear (Default)
Naomi

January 2013

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